4th August 2014

It’s that time of year again.

There are two dates during the year that bring everything to the surface and the 4th August is on of them. It’s my daughters birthday. Five years since I’ve seen her. Well, if they think I’m going away or giving up they are still mistaken. I’m still here and I’m still waiting and I’m still “killing time” Happy birthday Layla, Out of sight but never out of mind.

Dad xx

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The Scapegoat of the Narcissistic Personality Disordered Mother

This is one of the best blogs I have read in recent times.

Quote one from>      http://echorecovery.blogspot.com.br/2013/08/narcissistic-mother-scapegoat.html

If you are the scapegoat, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are the one most likely to go searching for answers – and find them. That is because you are the one in the most pain from carrying the burden of blame for the family. The scapegoats are also usually the truly strong ones in the family, as well as being the truth tellers.

I guess you know the bad news. You are blamed for everything. The scapegoats are the ones who allow the rest of the family to appear to be “normal,” purged of their wrongs. Narcissistic personality disordered mothers chronically scapegoat. If everything is the scapegoat’s fault (and it’s not), then the rest of the family can continue to avoid the real issue. The narcissistic mother can keep pretending to be “normal,” since you are supposedly the problem.

Quote 2>

The very existence of a scapegoat in the family signals a problem, because a scapegoat is only required in a family when someone consistently refuses to take responsibility for their own actions. Instead of taking responsibility, the narcissistic personality disorder parent often uses projection and scapegoating. Projection involves the narcissistic parent projecting their negative character traits onto others.

It may not take long for the other siblings in a dysfunctional family to realize they can blame the scapegoat too. In extremely dysfunctional families like my own family of origin, the narcissistic parent will actually encourage the other children to abuse the scapegoat child. This does not stop once the scapegoat is an adult, but continues as adult child abuse. Narcissistic personality disordered mothers love to manipulate and use their flying monkeys to help do their dirty work.

Now for the great news! You may think that golden child has the cherished role, but in the long run the scapegoat is the one most likely to escape, heal and lead a healthier life. Those same qualities of strength and emotional honesty or truth telling will greatly work in your favor in the healing process. If you are the scapegoat, you have the strength to escape, heal and lead a healthier life. As hard as it may be, try not to internalize all of the blaming and scapegoating. Realize you are dealing with a very sick parent. The truth hurts, but then it really does set you free.

If you want to read the whole article click the link below.

Thanks to ….    http://echorecovery.blogspot.com.br/2013/08/narcissistic-mother-scapegoat.html

 

 

 

The best compliment a blogger can have.

Today I was very happy to have received a number of comments again to my recent blogs. The biggest compliment you can receive from readers is when you get comments and replies. Maybe they are not always positive or complimentary but simply the fact that they were read and the reader was motivated to respond is a compliment in itself.

I also wanted to say a word or two about bitterness.

I know from personal experience how damaging it can be to live with bitterness and unforgiveness. I’d like to say it’s like taking poison and hoping your enemy will die. And it really is that harmful for us to live this way. All that actually happens. is that you poison yourself. The best course is to learn to forgive. By forgiving you release yourself. Bitterness is ugly and it actually repels people away from you. When someone hurts you, it’s more healthy to forgive and move on. That way you release yourself. Life is full of mistakes and believe it or not “all” humans make them, it’s life, it’s learning. The strongest admit those mistakes and move on. The weakest can’t.

I also want to say a word about giving up.

And that word is “never”

Why are we even having this discussion.

One in three mothers in a recent poll say fathers should not have rights in the upbringing of their children.

Why are we even having this discussion?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2535623/Mum-cut-fathers-separation-One-three-say-Dad-not-say-childs-upbringing.html#ixzz2pz1OITdz

Children are not weapons to use against a father by a vindictive mother.

Here we are starting another year in the same position as last year and the year before that and the year before that. Three years now since I saw my two children and three more to go if the situation remains the same. My son Scott will be sixteen in three years time and he will instantly have the freedom to choose to find me. Which is why I keep my blog running..

I have said this over and over again during the last three years, all we want is equality. Not too much to ask in 2014. A fathers right to see his children and a child’s right to see his or her father.

Men are often accused of being controlling, but when a mother denies a father access to his children and a child access to his or father then that is the extreme of controlling behaviour. But that seems to go unrecognised. Balanced? I don’t think so. Fair? I don’t think so. Equal? I don’t think so.

Children are not tools to be used as a punishment against a father.

 

Easier Said Than Done!

It’s that time of year again. Today is one of those days that comes twice a year, the 4th August and the 22nd October. The dates my two younger children were born.

These two dates are engraved on my mind and each time they arrive I can guarantee that it’s going to be a bad day. Just over three and a half years on, the feelings haven’t improved, they are as intense as they were that very first Thursday afternoon when I sat outside their school gates waiting to pick them up and take them home for an overnight stay only to receive a call from my lawyer that contact has been withdrawn. That moment was devastating for me. As the voice spoke in that “cold matter of fact” way that all lawyers speak to be able to distance themselves from the situation, my heart sank with every painful word.

I remember first feeling angry and on the point of doing something I would later regret but then it dawned on me that my two children were about to run out of the school door in 20 minutes time with that usual expectant excitement of what we were about to do. Maybe collecting their new bikes from my house and going off to the park and later McDonald’s or KFC for dinner. Yes, I know it’s not healthy but it’s what your kids like to do and it’s where you find single dads with their kids for those precious few hours a week they are allowed to spend with their children. It’s a sad thought but it’s a reality for millions of children and fathers in the UK and around the world.

The thought of them running expectantly from that door and having sat in school all afternoon looking forward to seeing me and then the realization and deep disappointment that I wasn’t their suddenly dawning on them without adequate explanation from “her” was too much to bare and the anger immediately turned to what I can only describe as an intense and deep black sadness deep inside my chest. Indescribable to anyone who has never felt it. After 20 minutes sitting there stunned with sadness I eventually turned my key, started the car, slowly put it into gear and moved very slowly off as I drove past the school gates in what seemed to be very slow motion. Knowing that it was going to be a while before they saw me again.

Little did I know at that moment, that three and a half years on I would be sitting here still waiting. Not sitting in the park watching them on the skate ramp or riding their bikes up and down but sitting at my desk blogging for the 70th time about my experiences and feelings.

I sit here partly concentrated on what I am typing and partly fighting a sort of black despair that is pushing it’s was into my mind with every word I type. Each time I stop at the end of a sentence it seems to allow the darkness time to creep a little bit further into my soul. You know I’m not even sure if anyone even takes the time to read my stuff or even cares at all and sometimes I get to a point where I’m ready to delete the bloody lot, close my Facebook and Twitter knowing that probably I’m thinking and then typing only to myself. What is the point?

Regarding Facebook. I have, I think at the moment 3,200 and something “friends” and I use the term “friends” loosely. But when I post something I get around 10 to 15 likes. Which means logically that only just under .5% of your friends actually look at the post. How many of them actually opened the post and then looked at the text. Then how many of them actually read it to the end. Realistically! maybe my mum and Rose. So two.

But still, that’s not why I write, I write as therapy.  I found this out about myself a long time ago. Because if I don’t, I start to slide into that blackness. Writing my blog seems to allow me a vent for my sadness, my frustration and deep feelings of apathy. Yes apathy because you do feel helpless and unable to control the situation. A father actually has no control over separation procedures whether in or during a family court process or over if or when he sees his children. Because once the decision has been made by “her” then there is nothing he can do. In terms of equality he is less than a second class citizen. Being black in the 1950s had more hope of equality than a father in the 21st century has of being accepted on equal terms with a mother.

Yes, it might come as a shock to some but fathers have the same and I mean the same feelings about their children as mothers do. We might not have carried them for 9 months but we implanted equally, we watched and listened as it grew inside you, went to the anti-natal classes, cried at the moment of birth and sat up in bed with you while you fed them in the middle of the night. Yet what was all that worth in the end?  What was it worth when the state, the courts and the mother turned their back on you? Nothing and even less than nothing. Because when that woman has finished with your mind and body and decides it’s time to move on, she trashes you like a piece of rubbish worthy only for the trash.

All I can say this morning is, Happy Birthday Scott. You are 13 today. I am sitting here typing and thinking about you and you are, well who knows.

A CHILDS FEELINGS

http://igg.me/at/achildsfeelings/x/576964

When they are old enough!!

The statement you really don’t want to here.

“When they’re old enough they’ll get tired of the mind games of the other parent, and they’ll choose to be with you”.  or “At thirteen they can decide for themselves who they want to live with.  Just wait. They’ll choose you.”

I think I’ve heard it a million times from well-meaning friends and family.  I think I’ve seen it a million times posted on blogs or comments on Facebook pages that deal with Parental Alienation.

I absolutely know that every time it has been said, it has been said with the utmost sincerity and desire to make a targeted parent feel better. But the last thing a targeted parent needs to hear, or worse yet to believe, is:

“When they’re old enough they’ll get tired of the mind games of the other parent, and they’ll choose to be with you”.  or “At thirteen they can decide for themselves who they want to live with.  Just wait. They’ll choose you.”

Every time this has been said to me, I’ve managed to falsify out a smile, nod my head, and say “Thanks.  I hope so.” Every time I see it written about in a comment to a blog or Facebook post I just want to say “NO!! If you’re being alienated then the children, in all likelihood, won’t choose to leave the alienating parent and live with you.  They may WANT to, but they won’t be ABLE to because of the emotionally abusive mind control that their parent has over them.”

In the early years I really did hope that when my son & daughter are  teens they will choose to come and live with me.  But as time went on and the control my children’s mother had over them would became more apparent, I knew that the likelihood of that ever happening would be pretty slim.  I even made the mistake early on of retreating a bit, to allow them the freedom to “choose”, as if they had the emotional maturity or strength to make such  life changing decisions while under the strong influence of a domineering mother.  Not that my children are in any way  immature for their ages, or unable to comprehend and weigh two sides of a situation.  But they are still  teenagers.  Teenagers just do not have the life experience nor the brain chemistry to deal with such a huge life altering decision.  Add to that the fact that every decision they will try to make in their lives regarding me has been influenced by a mother who desires to have me removed completely from their lives, and the decision they will make is obvious.  It should never even have been an option for them.

So, if you are, or suspect you are, being targeted by an alienating parent and someone tells you “When they’re old enough…” just nod and smile and say thanks.  But under no circumstances believe it, or rely on that happening in your case.  Don’t push for your children to have a say in the outcome of a court decision regarding custody or access.  That is just playing right into the alienating parent’s trap.  Respect your children’s wishes, but work to protect them from being placed into a position where they have only one viable option (in their view) that will NOT be what you want.Behave in a way that would make your children want to be with you, but don’t sit back and wait for them  to decide.

Generally the law provides that older children have the right to be heard in a legal matter dealing with which parent they will live, but no where is it required that the court allow their decision-making powers to rest solely on the wishes of a child.  In a situation of an acrimonious separation or possible parental alienation, it is downright irresponsible for a lawyer, judge, therapist or child protection worker to place that enormous responsibility on a child or teenager.  In my opinion, it is contributing to the abuse of that child.

Asking a child to choose between it’s parents in a family court is child abuse!

If you are a lawyer, judge, therapist or child protection worker, please take the time and make the effort to better understand not only Parental Alienation, but also the workings of a teenage brain.  Consider what outside influences a teen is under from their parents and/or other family members, before resting your entire decision on the wishes of a youth in an emotionally abusive situation.  It is your duty to do what is in the best interests of the child, not what is easiest and quickest to get out of the court system.

How a teenage brain functions and why.

And finally, if you are a friend, family member, acquaintance, or therapist of someone who is a targeted parent, please refrain from telling them that “when the child is old enough…”  It may be coming from the appropriate desire to make the person feel better or see things in a more positive light, but it is not true, and not helpful.  Instead say something like “That must be terrible for you.  I hope that something changes some day so you can have your relationship with your child back again.”  It’s enough to know that you are trying to understand what we are going through, and want the best outcome for us and our children.  But we don’t need to be told to believe something that will most likely never happen.

References and thank you to the writer of this piece.

Reblogged with permission.

http://journeythroughalienation.wordpress.com

http://youtu.be/-KQb3Mx2WMw